Disclaimer: Let it be known that this has nothing to do with my relatives. Those guys are awesome! (Oh, and if you don’t enjoy reading words, click here to skip ahead to the pictorial guide)
It’s that time of year again, when bundles of joy are placed beneath the tree, then later remembered and transferred to their cribs, when mice stop stirring throughout the house in adherence to the laws of Christmas, and when breaking and entering becomes an offense not punishable by jail time, but by milk and cookies.
But when Christmas rolls around, so too do the requisite family gatherings, events which unfortunately involve your family. Most relatives are as pleasant as you are, but if you’ve taken Biology, then you know that genes sometimes do stuff, and in their constant mutation, bad seeds take root, growing eventually into bad apples that fall far from the tree and are very much not of my eye.
To help you navigate the dangers of the family-infested holidays, we here at Reasonably Ludicrous have created a list of the 8 types of annoying relative, accompanied by battle-tested tips guaranteed to help you avoid them. Never go into another mandatory holiday gathering blind!
Attack: Bestowing Wisdom
Usually retired, The Advisor spends most of his time enjoying his many hobbies, which range from fly-fishing in the frigid rapids of Yosemite to memorizing trivia so that he can more effectively play along to reruns of Jeopardy. Having led a full life of success and happiness, he worries that you’re skittering down a dangerous slope, and that he may be the only belaying rope left to keep you from crashing to the ground in a heap of debt and drug use. The Advisor will lure you in with a question about your current state of affairs, though he is already well aware, and upon explaining that you’re trying to be a writer, he’ll give you a pat on the back, saying he’s happy that you’re trying something unconventional, but it’s time you found a career and a good woman. To soften the blow, he’ll tell you not to worry, adding that you haven’t made any mistakes thus far, because mistakes are just “lessons in disguise!”
Defense: Wear a Suit
The Advisor knows the truth about the world, and your personal—and thus wrong—opinions mean little to him. Defending your liberal arts degree and pursuits of passion will only make him pity you further, and his kind heart will never allow him to let such a sorry case back into the world without being properly spoon-fed the rehabilitating mush of hard-earned wisdom. The most effective way to parry his assaults is by donning fine attire. Like the humans of the future in the Skynet timestream, The Advisor is easily deceived by appearances, and a simple suit will prevent him from seeing you for the synthetic-skinned failure-machine you truly are. In his eyes, anyone who has outgrown his flip flop stage is clearly on the right track, and The Advisor will quickly commend you for finally becoming a man, then move on to other targets.
Attack: Putrid Flesh, Uncomfortable Hugs, & Expired Candy
Madame Wrinkles is the oldest member of the family, and despite having lost most of her faculties, she’s still going strong, and, unfortunately, shows no signs of letting up. She never washes, and the smell of old person exudes in a five foot radius. Avoid eye contact at all costs, for the moment your eyes lock, she will surge forward with uncanny speed, crushing you in an overly lengthy hug that forces you into the heart of her stench. She will pinch your cheek with the icy fingers of death, and the second you open your mouth to protest, she will force a ten-year-expired butterscotch candy into it. Once free from her grasp, back away slowly, nodding as if you are still listening to her unintelligible ramblings. Because of her bad vision, she will be unable to notice the increasing distance between you as she suggests for the nth time that you hook up with the hottie in the corner, having long forgotten that the two of you are first cousins.
Defense: Fake a Disease
Madame Wrinkles is about one germ away from turning to dust, so another relative will have been appointed as her personal guard for this event, making sure she interacts with no one who shows even the most minor signs of sickness. Spend the party coughing and you won’t be allowed to come anywhere near her! Or, if you dislike throat pain and accidentally causing cool relatives to avoid you, as a more subtle alternative, you can joke about the fun ways you hope the huge quantities of alcohol you’re consuming will interact with your antibiotics!
Attack: Being Holier Than Thou
The Ascetic just recently gave up drugs and alcohol after the most fun and irresponsible thirty-five years of his life. In fact, he has given up all sins, instead turning to Bikram Yoga, tea, and meditation. He has most likely become religious, though more often than not this will manifest itself in the form of a nudist cult praising the unknowable energy of a certain species of fern rather than any of the more recognizable theologies. One tenet of this cult is recruiting as many followers as possible, and The Ascetic will spend this holiday party convincing you of the error of your ways. As a high-functioning alcoholic, you will find this particularly grating, and The Ascetic’s honest good intentions will only infuriate you further.
Defense: Join a Cult
As you find yourself becoming convinced by The Ascetic’s charm, zeal, and genuine happiness (how can anyone be happy without alcohol?), you’ll know it’s time to enact your plan. Before the main holiday event, you must join some sort of strange cult, especially one that provides members with proof of entry, by say, giving you a laminated name badge or perhaps burning their holy symbol into your flesh with a red-hot branding iron. When The Ascetic corners you, smile pleasantly, and the moment he takes a breath, launch into a spiel about the benefits of your cult. Use every trick the cult leader taught you to persuade him to join, from pleading to threats to offers of free brandings, and within moments he’ll go running, sure that Flurhhooven, the spirit of photosynthesis, growth, and personal change is testing his devotion.
The Baby Pusher has given birth very recently, and her world now revolves around the squirming hazard-in-waiting strapped to her chest. Immersed in the throes of pure love and the miracle of life, The Baby Pusher will want to share her most profound emotional experience with everyone she knows. It doesn’t matter that you have no idea how to care for children, and the fact that frankly, they scare you, is of little relevance. The Baby Pusher will force you to hold the creature, and more fighteningly, to love it. Though on the outside she appears unrelentingly happy, you can’t help but wonder if it’s a façade, that, if after months of constant exhaustion, she’s simply trying to pawn off the fleshy creature in the hopes of a brief respite in which she can longingly imagine life before “the child.”
Defense: A Sling
No. Not for firing pebbles at the tiny human in a reverse David and Goliath scenario. Remember when you snapped your forearm that one time you tried skateboarding before swearing it off as the devil’s sport? Time to break out that sling. When The Baby Pusher asks you what happened, say it’s nothing—you’re involved in accidents all the time! In fact, you joke, the most ridiculous one of all was when were holding your family friend’s small child and accidentally dropped it. Ruminate, seemingly to yourself, about whether or not that’s related to the fact that poor Johnny’s had a lisp ever since. The Baby Pusher will recoil in fear and keep her child as far away from you as possible.
Attack: Tales of Recent Accomplishments
Often gainfully employed, usually as a doctor or lawyer, The Blowhard will one-up you with stories both trite and extravagant, from tales of his wife’s recent appointment as head of the PTA to his journeys to exotic countries where he rode dolphins whilst eating caviar. His children have either finished or are currently attending University. The older one is likely to have completed a tour with the Peace Corps, and though The Blowhard is somewhat disapproving of humanitarianism, he appreciates his eldest child’s go-get-em attitude, and is reassured by the fact that said child will be attending law or medical school in the upcoming fall. “What is it you’re doing again?” he asks, only half interested, and upon hearing that your blog is enjoying moderate success, you see in his eyes his negative assessment of you, for you’re neither changing the world nor exploiting it, the only two endeavors of any worth. He advises you to consider a career change, then launches into a bombastic recounting of his fulfilling life.
Defense: Puff his Ego to Blimpish Proportions
When trapped in conversation with The Blowhard, you must endure at least one quick story before any effective action can be taken. As he spins a not-so-charming tale of his resourcefulness, like how he outwitted an IQ test or used his medical knowledge to save an unconscious victim on a plane, you must ooh and ahh appropriately, expressing fear and delight at all the right moments. The Blowhard will be lulled into a false sense of security, and once the story has ended, he will look for some sort of praise. And that’s exactly what you’ll give him. More than he’s ever gotten before! You must act as if you have in fact had a revelation, that his bragging has opened up a new world of possibility to you, that this very conversation has Changed. Your. Life! You must immediately proclaim that you wish to someday be as great as The Blowhard, and that you need to write down your new resolution before it leaves you. Flee.
The Magnificent is probably only a year or two older than you, proving that if you didn’t waste your life trying to be a writer, you might actually be able to make something of yourself. He’s most likely just completed another world tour, paying his way as a professional snowboarder. Whenever he’s not competing in the Olympics or being the lead singer in a band or enjoying his fame as the star of an obscure sports team, he’s climbing mountains, visiting the Taj Mahal, and boning his incredibly hot girlfriend. She’s a different one from last year—probably the hottest yet. She’s fun, too. And you can’t even hate him cause he’s such a nice guy!
Defense: There is No Defense Against Magnificence
You’ve tried paying a beautiful girl to pretend to be your girlfriend. You’ve photoshopped yourself onto mountaintops and in front of notable monuments. You’ve even tried to compete in the X-games, only to find that your bones were surprisingly crushable. Nothing works. The Magnificent is always genuinely supportive of your endeavors, from your blog to that one time you tried to open a falafel stand, not realizing that that particular street corner was run by the mob. Even his girlfriends have always been nice to you, and The Magnificent gets you free tickets to all sorts of cool sporting events. Why? Why can’t you be him?
Attack: Pointless Stories, Prying into Your Personal Life, and Rumor Mongering
The aunt everyone tries to avoid, The Gossip uses her bubbly joviality to pin down her prey, and once you’ve fallen into the trap, she’ll act as though the two of you are in on something together. Don’t be fooled! The Gossip has no allies. She will inquire about your love life, and when you report that it is pointedly non-existent, she will cluck knowingly, and the twinkle in her eye means word of your failure as a sexual specimen will spread to the farthest reaches of your circle of acquaintances. When she asks about your job and you explain that you don’t have one, per se, she will chide you with a half-hearted tsk that indicates the news will spread, inaccurately. Amidst friendly bouts of prying, she will attempt to tell you every detail imaginable about your other family members, unaware that you’ve spent the whole event trying to dodge those very people for fear they’ll tell you about themselves!
Defense: Profuse Winking
The Gossip is a fast talker, rendering words an ineffective strategy for escape. Instead, you must rely on body language, and there’s nothing The Gossip enjoys more than a conspiratorial wink. Lean in close, for this indicates the two of you share a profound secret. It is important that The Gossip think others in the room are filled with jealousy at seeing how connected the two of you are, so make it overt. Once you’re good and close, wink rapidly and without limit. The Gossip will laugh nervously at the inside joke she assumes you share and send you on a mission to gather juicy intelligence. Do not return.
The Politician never goes anywhere without an agenda. She firmly believes in every policy you think is ruining the world and strongly supports the candidate you want to murder with your bare hands. The fact that you don’t have a job makes you The Politician’s enemy, for it’s people like you who are destroying this country and helping the terrorists win. No matter The Politician’s beliefs, you distinctly do not want to get involved, for you actively attempt to learn as little as possible about the current state of the world. Death tolls and rampant hunger are less fun reruns of The Simpsons, but try as you might to avoid the trap, you will find yourself outmatched, for The Politician spends her life learning how best to bait people into unpleasant conversation and will deftly turn every topic to politics through subtle manipulation or loud yelling.
Defense: Inappropriate Laughter
The Politician’s powers are strong, and the only way to defeat her is to treat all of her heavy conversation topics as silly jokes. Whenever she mentions the dire state of the economy, chortle as though she’s made a clever quip. When she attempts to turn the conversation to the upcoming debate, guffaw as though she’s just spilled something on herself. Follow your laughter by repeating her comment, then adding, “Good one!” Before she has a chance to recover, launch into whatever story pops into your head no matter how irrelevant or embarrassing. Your inappropriate responses will undermine her fervor, making her arguments seem petty, and when you accidentally follow-up with a tale about your failed sexual exploits as a high-schooler, the pity and discomfort everyone feels is sure to lead to a change of topic.
There you have it! We hope you’ve found our handy-dandy Guide to the Holidays to be as handy-dandy as we intended. Next time you’re trapped at one of those nauseatingly innocuous Holiday Events, try out a few of these methods! If you’re feeling extra charitable, leave us a comment detailing how it went, because we certainly haven’t tried them! And for those of you non-readers or regular folks who are simply in a hurry, here’s a condensed pictorial guide for your relative-avoiding pleasure.
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64 responses to “The 8 Types of Annoying Relative (And Tips to Help You Avoid Them)”
Bravo, sir! This might just be my favourite yet. And that’s saying something.
Favourite yet?! And with a British spelling? That’s like double the praise! Thanks, Boggleton!
Canadian – best part is, either spelling is fine with us! We’re pretty tame like that.
Perfect! Now I can work my way through the upper echelon staff self-promoting holiday jubilee I have to attend this evening…as a proletariat spouse. I assume these methods can be adapted for such use…
I believe in you! Or, if this already happened, I believed in you? That verbiage certainly doesn’t make you seem like a proletariat, but either way, these methods can be adapted however you like, though I have yet to hear of any success, family gatherings, work events, or otherwise.
QUICK! I leave soon for a family gathering.
How do you two deal with the “Misery Queen”, who has seen more hardship than any person in the history of ever-ness, changes every single conversation into something depressing about herself/her struggles, and cannot be made to feel better about anything (or let it go)?
Ooooh I have one of those too! Misery coupled with hypochondria. Help! 🙂
You might be able to tackle the hypochondria part with the ‘pretending to be ill’ strategy… Surely a hypochondriac will avoid you like the plague if you’re ill (sorry, bad pun not intended). Not sure what you can do about the hardest hardship ever though… maybe try out-hardshipping them? Could that work?
Sorry for the slow response, but I collapsed in a pile of exhaustion after finishing this sometime after 9am without doing that sleeping thing. I’m not sure what I would do, though I think Ells is right! Attempting to one-up her miserable experience each time she mentioned one could be a great game for the whole family! “You think THAT’S bad?” you can begin, then “You should hear about the time…” Try to get as many relatives in on it as possible and keep a tally of who can interject with the best out-miseryings.
Hilarious–you nailed it!
Woohoo! I’ve always wanted to feel like a blog-hammer!
I’m still trying to figure out an idea for a holiday post. Meh.
Aren’t holidays such an endeavor for us poor bloggers. Attempting themed posts to seem topical is so difficult, but I believe in you!
It’s hard to pick one, but I think “one germ away from turning to dust” might be my favorite line. Well played, sir.
Thanks! It’s always fun to hear what people like. I hope my slight cough isn’t the undoing of my madame wrinkles this holiday…
Makes me glad to not worry about family holiday gatherings. Haha!
Love this! Everyone should get a hand out of these before entering a family event.
There should also be a tip on how to avoid being seated at the children’s table even though you’re a good eight years older than any of your younger annoying cousins.
Haha. That sounds like quite a specific problem. I remember the glorious day I moved to the adult table. I think the timing had something to do with alcohol consumption, so maybe try that? Nobody wants a drunk hanging out with their children!
Maybe I’ll make some print-outs of this and give them out as gifts this Christmas, just in time for people to prepare for the dinner-time Christmas gathering.
Love the pic of the baby pusher!
That one scares me so much! Mostly because it involves a baby, and it’s Right There!
I am now armed and ready for what ever they chose to bring. Bring on the forced family fun
I’m glad we could supply a defensive arsenal of tactics. Good luck, social event soldier.
Hilarious! Bring on the relatives!! 😉
I so skipped to the pictorial guide. I hope I didn’t miss anything! 😀
I used to find ways to pit them against each other, but now that my mind’s fading, I’ll use your defenses this year instead. It has been a whopping TWELVE years since I met the family for Christmas.
(No, I wasn’t in prison. That would’ve made me type #9.)
Wow. Pitting them against each other? That must require some advanced tactics! I still haven’t figured out how to deal with the ex-con. He scares me.
You forgot The Orphan – that person who has nowhere else to go and so drops in on other people’s Christmas. So far, I’ve come across three types of Orphans:
1) the pitiful lonely heart who latches onto anyone and everyone like a wounded dog, with the wide, bright eyes to match;
2) the fun but mildly obnoxious friend who can’t wait to ditch his/her own prudish family and hang out with your much cooler, laid-back, card-playing, heartily-chortling, alcoholic relatives; and
3) the traveller/interesting foreigner who’s spending Christmas in your wonderful country and who is, on the whole, a pretty awesome guest no matter what time of year it is.
Great post, and happy holidays!
Haha. Great point! We definitely have some orphans at our family gatherings. I’ll have to study them this Christmas to learn their weaknesses.
Thanks, this will help a lot. Being an underachieving social outcast makes the holidays a physically painful experience most of the time. With this I can finally enjoy myself as I get revenge.
Those high-achieving social adepts will never know what hit them! As a Tiki God, do you have bonus powers you can unleash upon them?
Love this post!!! And I totally love all the pictures 😀 But you forgot the Foreigner, the relative who does not speak English but the secondary language of yours (which you do not speak well) and forces you to just nod and laugh weakly at whatever he/she says, instead of actually engaging in a normal conversation. 😉
I do remember the year my cousin’s French exchange student came to the family gathering. He told us story after story of his antics, which usually involved getting really hammered and ending up in breaking into places. I tried to avoid everyone BUT him.
You have COMPLETELY outdone yourselves. This is absolutely your best post yet!
Awesome! Marvelous! Hilarious! etc… xx
Sterling work Russ and Sam! 🙂
I’m just glad that I don’t have to go to any family functions; faked my own death back in ’99. They’ll never look at that year (or roller coasters) the same way again.
Seriously though, this is the best holiday post I’ve seen yet. You guys are awesome. 🙂
Genius! I’ve never thought of that particular strategy. Did you have to do any paperwork?
Amazing post… Simply loved it. I hope you get lots and lots of love from these relatives… Haha
Just had my family dinner, and they actually did give me love despite this post. They’re very magnanimous.
I’ve read tons of Christmas posts as a way to procrastinate away this last work week for 2011, and I must say, this is the BEST Christmas post I’ve read so far. Not just best, but the bestest of the bestest. I might just create a new award for this, and you would be the first recipient.
I only have the Ascetic to stay away from. I will annoy the hell out of them by chugging down all the vodka I can handle in front of them.
You had me laughing, which is not an easy feet for a blogger. Infact, this is one of the better blogs I’ve read in a while, because I could put a family face to just about every character described above. Many thanks 🙂 Followed for sure!
Thanks! Glad we could entertain. That is, after all, why artist Sam makes the big bucks.
Reblogged this on Shizknit.
I nodded along as I read each type, thinking, “There’s Aunt Nancy, that’s definitely Aunt Linda, oh gosh, not Uncle Joe…” But you have brilliant solutions for each and every one of them! You have my heartfelt gratitude. 🙂
You have every type in your family? Oh my. I hope our guide helped you navigate the social events, or, if not that, that it at least led you to do entertainingly ridiculous things.
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I got a good laugh. This article had a lot of oatmealeqsue humor, but without the absurdity – which forms your own style. Well done.
I did not have enough time to read through it all (kids can do that to you), but I definitely checked out the pictures. I wish I can say that the pictures were exquisite masterpieces, but that would be selling them short. They were perfectly insane (if that makes any sense) I want a T-shirt like that. It is a great holiday gift for the guys.
When are you guys making a store with some pictures on it. I have seen blogs like that, but your pics kick all those others in the butt. Happy holidays and Happy almost-New Years!
Should we believe your preemptive disclaimer? Or, should we better yet try to figure out who we all are. I suppose with all of your readers there is no worries that only your family will join you on here. I told Robert (Bob) he will be The Advisor when he is older and wears his pants too high. He called me the Ascetic. I would be the Baby Hog (rather than pusher) if you had one. See you soon!
I think this covers just about every single family gathering in the U.S. Another hilarious post!!
Russ – you and Sam outdid yourselves on this one. I’m so sorry I saw it too late for the holidays. 😦
The baby-pusher is my favourite! I call them the “thrusters”!
Something along these the same lines, except they’re not relatives!
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am outta words…dude this is hilarious and so true…relative number 1 is a specie i have met …have few of them around…and some of them are not even that old… 😛
this is a brilliant post.. and like always great pictures…
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I recently stumbled upon this, and thought to share. Lol. Enjoy.
This excellent website certainly has all the information I needed about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
The “wear a suit” picture with the judgement arrows made me laugh a lot, also the line “Don’t be fooled! The Gossip has no allies.” Thanks!
I’m going back home for Christmas and I’m an aupair and a bartender so I’ll definitely make good use of your defense tips. Though my sister just changed career to be a sailor so I think she’s got my back!
Hilarious. Seen myself there. Which one are you and everyone here? 😉
This is a brilliant post, made me remember my relatives.. thanks for sharing the hilarious post. Hope to read out many other.. Shared!
So Damn funny! It’s only October 1 and I’m already dreading the holidays, having just been informed of Thanksgiving In-law plans made without my input or approval. Thank you for a hearty laugh as I devise my bug out plan.
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