Cop Week: Day 6 — The Final Chapter

I had to pay my ticket by April 1st, a full 7 months after I got it, but trying to convince myself to do anything that requires me to do things is a nigh impossible task. In fact, I usually can’t even convince myself to try to convince myself of stuff. It’s that exhausting.

But it was St. Patrick’s Day, the kind of day when you see the world through emerald glasses. The people on the streets have a strange green tint to them, though whether it’s due to their attire or their alcohol-induced nausea is hard to say. On every street corner, Irish drinking songs blare from garbled voices, random strangers have their hands transformed into merciless pincers, and all in all, cops have a little less power.

It was a day of serendipity.

I didn’t actually realize it was St. Patrick’s day until witnessing the aforementioned indicators, but when I pulled into the spot right in front of the courthouse, I could tell the patron saint of boozing was on my side. Plus, there was already money in the meter, and when I stepped out of the car, the smell of fresh grass hit me like a wave of odor particles. As I walked up to the oversized glass doors, lawyers smiled at me, cops gave me a head nod, and, well, those were the only two types of people that passed me actually.

I’m going through security right behind a guard who’s jivin’ with his buddy, and they’re talking about how they both just learned to do the dip snap. I just learned it too, so I chime in and suddenly we’re all cracking up and packing together.

Extreme bonding moment complete, I get in line for the payment window and strike up a conversation with the lady in front of me, who’s super friendly for someone about to fork money over to “the system.” She sees someone she knows, and because of the magic of the day, lets me go ahead of her, which means that instead of being serviced by grumpy government employee number one, I end up facing this beautiful brunette who can’t be over 25. She’s wearing a tight-fitting, low-cut green top that’s still somehow classy, and the first thing she does is make fun of me for not embracing the holiday. Suddenly I’m drooling all over myself, which, I must say, is a definite step up from weeping like a little girl.

The gods of game must’ve been on my side, cause I’m making jokes left and right, getting into the whole story of how I got the ticket, court, bike school. She’s laughing and joking back and at the end she gives me this look and says, “Perfect! I’ve gone ahead and closed your case, so you’re good to go!”

“I am?” I asked, bewildered. Could someone have truly taken pity on me, the poor, wretched biker whose lack of attentiveness led him astray but for a moment?

“Yep!” She winked.

And just like that, I didn’t have to pay the ticket. I smiled, said thanks, and walked off into the distance.


Filed under Stories

29 responses to “Cop Week: Day 6 — The Final Chapter

  1. Perfect ending! I hope you got together with her after and bought her some green beer…

  2. Hahahaha. You got to flirt with the girl and didn’t pay that ticket. XD LOL! Now that is a lucky day.

  3. I’m still giggling at “serendeputy.”

  4. John

    Haha! I’ve never considered myself as a ‘blog reader’, but since the first time I found this blog, I’ve loved it! It’s really unique and hilarious.

    Keep up the good work!

  5. St. Pat’s, a day for the keeping of the green.

  6. So, let me see if I’ve got this right. Everyone you dealt with, up until this serendipitous moment, regarding this ticket was male, correct? Hmmm. You must be a real charmer.

    BTW, I have been dip snapping for 30 years, apparently. But I didn’t know it was called that. So I read your instructions with zeal until it slowly dawned on me that I already know how to do that. It comes in really handy when you are older, let me tell ya.

  7. I clearly need to go find a leprechaun friend…

  8. HA! Nice going! I once beguiled an officer into noticing niether my registration (which was two days overdue) nor the potentially illeagly aquired Christmas tree filling 80% of my car. Did you get her number?

    • Did you go out and chop down a tree yourself? Cause that would be badass.

      People overestimate me with the whole number thing. I still have a ways to go. When I told my dad I got out of the ticket, instead of being pleased, he just berated me for not doing better with the girl haha.

      • Yep I took a saw and an axe into the middle of an eerie pine plantation and went postal on it’s ass….or trunk at least. There’s video footage, but it involves a very non-glamorous overswing and face plant from my good self. Needless to say I opted to craft my tree this year rather than hack another down.

        You’re dad’s like your Game-Yoda. I’m sure she would have been flattered had you asked.

  9. Jenn Jennings

    Another case of youth and guile (and possibly sex appeal) beating “the man” at his own game!
    PS – Are your palms truly as hairy as they appear in the illustration?

  10. allenavw

    And you didn’t get her number? It sounds like the gods were strong with you that day, you could have done anything.

    • I should have, I know. But that all-powerful unconfident part of me was worried that she’d just made a mistake with the whole paying thing and if I stayed any longer she’d correct the error and all would be lost.

  11. The Dip Snap is really hard. Or else I’m just really uncoordinated.

  12. Mike

    The Family 2 gaysnap/brosnap has been forever immortalized in the form of an awesome blog post. Sigma Pi is proud. Well I am at least. *snapsnapsnap*

  13. Great story! 🙂

    The high five at the end is the most epic one I’ve ever seen.

    I would love to purchase a T-shirt of it, but I’m getting it tattooed on my chest instead. 😉

  14. GG

    Man, you broke the law, you get to flirt with the girl, you don’t have to pay the fine…

    :(:(:( :X

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