These are more like periodically asked questions, or barring that, totally made-up ones. We tend not to get asked much of anything at all, but I see other bloggers with an FAQ and am filled with uncontrollable jealousy that leads me to make bad decisions which no one can ever know about. I’ve already crushed dozens of stress balls to dust in an effort to control the envy, so, like an apocalyptic scenario that by happenstance destroys everything but Dubai’s Burj Al Arab Hotel, creating this page is a last resort.
We’ll update/alter/redact this as more things come up!
Q: A two-person blog! It’s never been done!
R: That’s not a question, silly man. Sam and I are trying to forge a new path in the blogosphere, cutting through the ancient, one-author mindset. You’d think it would be an impossible task, but as I learned from the movies of my childhood, the power of our friendship allows us to overcome any obstacle! Sam’s the Sam to my Frodo, the mac to my cheese, and the Johnson to my Johnson…
Q: How do you create those incredible images?!
R: I tell Sam to do it.
S: I use a Wacom Bamboo tablet, Photoshop, and a trained ferret that bites me in the ear whenever I start to fall asleep.
Q: How do you create those incredible words?!
R: That’s mostly the ferret’s doing too, honestly. He just runs around the keyboard and I try to Ouija some meaning out of it.
Q: Freshly Pressed on your first post?! I hate/love/revere you!
R: I don’t know how it happened either! Finding quick success sort of turns my first post into a lie, so maybe WordPress did it out of some twisted sense of mingled spite and encouragement?
Q: Are these stories true?
R: Yep! All of this stuff really happened, except for that sentence-at-a-time story about Santa Claus. Sometimes I alter chronology slightly to make for a better tale, like combining two days into one. And sometimes the ridiculous jokes are made up, but for the most part, the posts are a mixture of about 90% accuracy, 1,000,000% exaggeration.
Q: How can you have a million percent of something?
R: Through the power of exaggeration!
Q: I got an English Major too. What do I do?!
R: English majors are the best! If you want to be a writer, try it! Heck, I am, and the more kindred souls out there, the better I feel. And like everybody says, writing skills are important for every job, so we’re really the best suited for life maybe.
Plus, literature allows us to live a thousand lives, experience love and loss and dragons, and enter worlds unreachable except through our imagination. Reading unlocks our humanity, and only through those precious streaks of black ink are we able to gain insight into the minds of those around us.
Also, you could hit up your successful friends who studied science and see if one of them can get you a time machine. That might help.
Q: There’s this girl I like, but I don’t know if she likes me back. How can I tell?
R: I’m sure that is a frequently asked question, but I was intending for this to answer inquiries about the blog specifically. I’d still help you if I could, but I’m pretty sure that’s one of life’s great unsolved mysteries.