Tag Archives: Santa

We Can’t Seem To, Uh, Ward Them Off

Like a loyal animal you try to shoo away because you think it’s in their best interest even though you love them, they just keep coming. That is, our second blogaward just padded its way over to us on furry feet. Apparently our enemies’ attempts to encircle us in a blogo-ward have failed, and the “Tell Me About Yourself” commendation was able to break through the barrier and alight on our egos.

Which means that we’re slapping together another slip-shod shoddy slip of a Thursday post to acknowledge the kindness of one of our fellow bloggers. Thanks Book Snobbery! Now, it may technically be Friday, so I’m just going to pretend I’m posting this from Hawaii. Also, it has just been brought to my attention that a second award was able to pierce the force field. What I Meant 2 Say has bestowed a second 7×7 upon us. Huzzah! If we have two 7×7 awards, that’s 49 square units doubled, so 98 square units, which means our new award is 9.89×9.89. With all these awards, it’s starting to get a little crowded in this chainmail. But if we’re going to have any hope of defeating the Orcish brutality of the Uruk Hai of the blogging world who want to horde all the internet readership for themselves, banding together and donning the armor of these self-perpetuating awards is our best bet.

This particular “Tell Me About Yourself” award may not increase our Armor Class much though, for it doesn’t even seem like praise, per se. It’s not a “Best Blog” award, or a “Moderately Entertaining” award, or even a “I Read This and Didn’t Immediately Bleed From the Eyes.” Which is totally one of the craziest defense mechanism ever. Anyway, this award doesn’t seem to have any descriptors or qualifiers of any kind. It’s simply a command that I must follow, and I fully intend to climb down from the Mount Sinai of the blogosphere and obey it. It may be just a drawing on the internet, but ever since that one bush caught fire, I’ve treated every award’s demands as if it were etched on a pair of stone tablets.

So here come 7 things about myself. Hopefully they’re not too revealing.

  1. Sadly, I have almost certainly coveted my neighbor’s wife, but in my defense, you should’ve seen her. Oh man.
  2. I haven’t committed murder or adultery, but I’m not making any promises.
  3. My team won the co-ed Intramural Softball championship four times, and I wear the shirts ALWAYS, just to prove to that cute girl at the checkout counter that I’ve done something with my life.
  4. I’m actually SAM! I just hijacked this post right now. Whatcha gonna do about it, sucka?!! Russ can’t have all the fun.
  5. Jeez, what should I say? Damn, I didn’t think too far ahead on this one. I guess…I like to draw. That’s something. But that’s sort of obvious, huh? Man, I’m bad at this.
  6. Um….I’m terrible at the game 5 Fingers. I can never think of anything I haven’t done that would be fun to say in the context of the party. Like, I’ve never been to Africa, but that’s not the kind of thing you want to hear in a game of 5 fingers. You want something juicy! And then I just get self-conscious that what I’m about to say reveals something horribly embarrassing about my psyche.
  7. SAM GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! Do I need to get out the flyswatter? Okay let’s make a deal. Since there’s an odd number of details we’re required to provide and an even number of the two of us, let’s make the last one into a sentence at a time story about our lives. We’ll take turns writing sentences and see what happens. I don’t guarantee its accuracy, but I do guarantee its creation method. Here ya go:

Once, when I was just a young lad, I found myself in a complicated situation. I wanted to play video games and watch cable television, but my parents thought such activities would rot my brain. I soon realized there was only one thing I could do to achieve my mind-rotting dream. I wrote to Santa Claus, telling him how stingy my parents were. That night, which happened to be the night before Christmas, I heard the pitter patter of reindeer hooves (a very specific and recognizable sound) on the rooftop. I immediately panicked, because I realized Santa did not know my house had no chimney. But I had an iron will and a similarly metallic shovel, and given just a few minutes, I knew I could dig myself a path to Mr. Kringle, and to video game fun. So I got on a stool and began stabbing the roof, with…my…shovel? I’d never expected such success, but the roof collapsed in a perfect rectangular prism, allowing Santa to shimmy down with nary an obstacle. I literally squawked with glee. At first, Santa seemed taken aback, but he must’ve been used to childish bird noises of surprise and delight, so he quickly recovered and handed me the most amazing present of all time. At least, I assumed it was. Santa himself had given it to me! But he made me promise to wait until morning to open it.

The next morning, I opened it.

It was socks.

You can see how that’s the kind of story that informed the rest of my/our life.

Now it’s time to pass this award on to some other unsuspecting blogs. To make it more flattering, I’ve tweaked it slightly. Here are the blogs I think deserve the “You Are Good At Telling Me About Yourself (I Presume, and Hopefully Your Post About This Award Won’t Make a Liar Out of Me)x9.89” Award. It’s up to you guys to tell the world 9.89 things about yourself, then pass it on to up to 9.89 more blogs you deem worthy.

  1. Allenavw. She’s a charming, risk-taking risk-taker, who, like Sam and me, loves alcohol. She praised us recently, so now I love her forever, and I have a feeling she’ll be good at revealing interesting details about herself because her about page pleases me. Also, she has some photos of herself that I find very compelling.
  2. The Problem with Young People Today is… I’m sure Crabby Old Fart (a.k.a. Mr. Mills) is already fully aware of how awesome he is, what with his huge following and everything. I trust that he’ll be able to tell us a great deal about himself because he has two about pages, and explaining the geriatric details of his life is pretty much his modus operandi.
  3. Boggleton Drive. I’m not sure ol’ Boggy will let us in on his secrets, but his amusing examples of grammar faux pas prove that he deserves at least a large percentage of the 98 square units of praise.
  4. The Ruminations of Jess. She’s so supportive! Her blog is highly amusing, and it includes quite a few personal stories and details. She can tell us about herself any time.
  5. Love the Bad Guy. Since she gave us our first award, it seems only fair that we reciprocate. Plus, I’ve already learned that she’s a garfield-collecting cat person, so clearly some of her secrets are out there.

There you have it! And so, like a virus, the award moves on to a new host, and I move on to bed, a place I find myself in all too rarely.

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