The Burdens of Internet Fame

Wooo! We just hit 1000 subscribers! In honor of this momentous readership event, and because everyone’s been so supportive, Sam and I would like to say thanks and take a look back at the Fresh Pressing that started this electrically unsafe daisy chain of fortune.

I’d always viewed the internet as a vast, unicorn-infested, cat-plagued, time-sucking mega-void that would chop up whatever creativity I was brave enough to offer it into tiny, troll-size bites, but I wasn’t about to let a few grammar-defying kittens stop me.

I knew damn well that I could be mildly, vaguely, intermittently amusing, not to mention the fact that Sam’s artwork is torn straight from the heavens. He declared that any representation of this truth would be self-serving, but luckily I have no such qualms.

And so, it was with a great sense of achievement that I wrote and published my first post, ate some microwavable mini-quiches, and promptly fell asleep.

I awoke to the sound of bells.

My first thought is that a bunch of angels, now armed with the bell-induced power of wings, are hunting us down for stealing their heavenly artwork, but it’s only the doorbell—the computer guy’s here to fix my internet.

I wriggle into pants (the last guy had filed an official complaint), boot up my computer, and briefly glance at my page views—WHAT THE GRAPH?! The number is so huge my atrophied English brain can barely comprehend it. I call Sam to make sure this is real life, but he’s either asleep or at the mercy of the battle seraphim and can offer no persuasive evidence. Before I can come to any conclusions, the doorbell rings again.

The plumbers! My apartment is soon filled with jostling servicemen, and the computer guy has shut off my internet. I have no idea what’s happening out there in the mega-void! The plumbers start sawing into my ceiling all over the place and suddenly it’s disgorging water in three spots with vindictive aplomb, and the now-soaked drywall is collapsing like the Soviet Union.

Long story short, after my internet was revived about an hour later, after the water-spewing pipes had been sealed off and the gaping holes in my ceiling were—well, those are still there. Anyway, after dealing with my assorted apartmental issues, I was able to resume my e-vestigation and found out I’d been freshly pressed…on my very first post!

Still in shock, I scoured my kitchen for smelling salts, only to realize that I live in the present day, so I gave up and proceeded to bask in the joy of one of the most exciting moments of my life. It was a singular experience, receiving ludicrously positive feedback from complete strangers. I still can’t figure out what they stand to gain! Since then, though view rates have naturally never come close to that chart-ruining outlier of a first day, the blog has grown as slowly and surely as a lesson-teaching tortoise, and for some reason, the people reading it seem to actually enjoy it.

And it’s all thanks to you! You, my readers and new favorite people ever, made this happen. You are the first wave of hope in a stormy sea of fear and slimy kelp, helping propel us forward on the journey toward the shores of moderate internet fame. And it doesn’t matter that I’ve already been offered dozens of jobs all over the tropics. I don’t care about the fact that scores of moon women have been throwing themselves at me, and so be it if the state of Rhode Island promised me a small herd of attack lions if I’d only drop everything and compose their official State Poem.

You know what? I don’t even care that Ex-Vice-President Al Gore offered me a position by his side saving baby albino whales from underwater greenhouse gases. I told him the world would have to wait, because by god, I’ve got readership now, and if he didn’t want me ignoring literally every other aspect of my life in the pursuit of becoming internet famous, then he damn well shouldn’t have invented the thing.

Now, it’s not all fun and games. Every week I’m filled to the brim with frothy, bubbling panic as I realize I’ve finally written the post that will prove I’m merely a fraud masquerading as a merry minstrel of the mega-void. Sleep has become such an unattainable fantasy that whenever I manage to snag an hour or two, I invariably dream of more sleeping. It’s like a boring, sedated version of Inception.

And now that I spend all my time alone in my room attempting to befriend the internet, my social skills are going the way of the red wolf—critically endangered in the wild, but thriving in World of Warcraft.

Yes, internet fame may require great sacrifice, but you’re worth it, readers, and you can bet your oversize bonnets I’ll be here for you this Tuesday, and barring serious injury or any non-fictional job offers, every Tuesday after that.

Like an abacus, you can count on me.

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51 Comments

Filed under Observations, Stories

51 responses to “The Burdens of Internet Fame

  1. Yay, no batteries required!

  2. I think Sam may have been sending you a message with that last picture. Your armpit hair is turning green… have you recently misplaced your deodorant or forgotten to bathe in lieu of befriending the internet?

    • I tried to shower the other day, but after months of disuse, it had rusted shut. This wake-up picture is just what I need to turn things around and open a new chapter in my hygiene.

  3. Congrats Russ and Sam! I and 999 other people agree that you’re awesome. 🙂 I imagine that one day, the two of you will be sporting velvet robes and monocles as you raise your brandy snifters to toast 1,000,000 followers.

    The “Reagan smash” picture had me rolling, by the way.

  4. Tuesdays are a little brighter with you two in it! Bask! Revel! Wait…moon women?

    • Brighter only because now that I don’t go outside I’ve grown pale and reflective. And since I’m just imagining the females throwing themselves at me, they might as well be moon women.

  5. 1005 of us now stalk you? No pressure there! 😉

    (I was also wondering about the green hairs..)

  6. Congrats! 1000 Subscribers is a huge milestone!

    And the way you make everything look… 😀

  7. Aw. This gives me warm fuzzies. 🙂

  8. Ah, that all elusive Freshly Pressed. Although I do my blog for me and it gives me an outlet to be free I sometimes secretly wish to be on that Freshly Pressed list! Lol! One day hey?

    Your blog is awesome and credit is due where its deserved. 🙂

  9. That’s awesome! Congratulations! I didn’t know you were freshly pressed on your very post, that must have been amazing. When I started my blog, my neighbor very haughtily told me it takes years to develop a decent following. You sure proved her wrong! 😀

    • Good ol’ people you know giving haughty words of caution. Yeah, it was quite the experience. Here’s hoping it keep going well! And with your craft talents, I’m sure you’re well on your way!

  10. Now that I’m over the disheartening realization that I am only one of scores of moon women, and the sting of my deflated self-esteem slapping me in the face with the fact that all the others have been here since your first post too…

    I look forward to these fraudulent masquerades of merry minstrelness and their illustrations torn from the heavens!

    Congratulations!

  11. allenavw

    You guys crack me up every time. I’ll always be happy that I check Freshly Pressed every morning, because that’s how I found you guys! From your very first post I’ve been here 🙂 Keep it up, absolutely love the artwork.

  12. Wait a minute, you could have had a pack of attack lions? Damn, all I ever got offered was a decapitated mannequin (true story).
    Congratulations on the 1000 subscribers! Go celebrate, and then inform us of the inevitable shenanigans that occur.

    • A decapitated mannequin? That’s the stuff of nightmares, and will probably play a prominent role in mine tonight. What is this true story of which you speak?

      And I hadn’t even considered a celebration, but even though all my friends are studying or asleep (week before finals), maybe I’ll just do something crazy all by m’onesies.

  13. Congrats. That red wolf looks fierce as hell. You guys make a good team, though. The pictures def. expand the quip-filled stories into full-blown hilarity.

    • I’m so happy I convinced Sam to undertake this joyous yest time-sucking adventure with me. It means I get to have awesome pictures of me doing awesome things, like riding a wolf.

  14. kitkatlikereflexes

    “Still in shock, I scoured my kitchen for smelling salts, only to realize that I live in the present day…”
    Comments like these are what keep me coming back for more. You guys are superb. 😀

  15. tikigod784

    Because dangit if I can’t post regularly enough to become successful in my own mind, then I’m gonna watch you do it! 😄

  16. Congratulations on the amount of followers! Your posts are well written and very entertaining and the artwork is great, so it’s no surprise.

  17. Wow! Way to go! I love the artwork–it adds a lot to the writing! You two make a great team!!!

  18. Yeah… I must admit I kind of hate you guys for being FPed on your first post. 🙂

    But then again I wouldn’t have found this blog if it weren’t for that! Congratulations on 1,000 followers!

  19. suzymarie56

    This was my favourite post yet. And congratulations on the 1000 followers!

  20. I am so happy for you two! It is amazing to see how the WordPress community was able to give you guys an audience. I, for one, am grateful for the belly-aching, tear inducing laughs each week!

  21. chunter

    Like an abacus indeed. 😉

    If I had any clue how internet fame works I’d give you tips, it’s just nice to find the time to enjoy it.

    Best wishes

  22. Congratulations! And hey, your fame is rightly deserved. I don’t subscribe to many blogs. I subscribe to Reasonably Ludicrous and enjoy every post. Words and pix.

  23. Next thing you know, you’ll be asked to give talks about stuff. In front of people. In front of people who know you have green underarm hair. (I assume Sam will be animating himself for these sessions and doing voice-over. Like one of those kids’ shows where the presenter talks to a cartoon and, miraculously, the cartoon talks back.)

    Congrats, by the way. Awesome stuff.

  24. 1,000 followers. You are the pied piper of the intra-web my friend! Congrats on the numbers…I recently topped 100 followers and felt a great sense of accomplishment. Now, I feel a great sense of jealousy towards you. I would like to officially offer you the fictional internet job of being my mentor and helping me achieve a small level of blogging fame. The position is unpaid of course since I’ve only managed to generate $.37 from my followers so far. Let me know if you accept this new position and we can discuss how you intend to boost my popularity. Guest post perhaps??

  25. Congratulations! I thought it was a glitch when I got Pressed. There was no way that number should be that high…

  26. If it’s wrong to sit at work eating jet-puffed marshmellows while perusing your blog… then I don’t want to be right.

  27. Pingback: I’m Just Not That Into Me « whatimeant2say

  28. Google informs me that 2,095,006,005 people use the internet worldwide. Which makes us, your readers, the elite 0.000047% who sup of the wealth of shameless puns and wry turn of phrase whilst the 99.999953% go hungry for want of good reading bread.

  29. …I’D be lion if I said I wasn’t a teensy bit jealous…

    But it’s okay, cos you two are awesome. Congrats on the milestone! 😀

  30. JOB OFFERS? Fictional or not, you’re not accepting job offers! You’re creative mind must have time to breathe so it can exhale pure literary excellence! JOBS are for the vacant minded plebeians of society whose soul purpose is to keep the world from falling into a state of disarray. This gives you smart folk the time to formulate media that will revitalize the once broken spirits of the working folk, allowing them to blissfully return to their menial roles in society. pshhhh…jobs. You sir, will exercise your brain until it evolves into a SUPER SAIYAN BRAIN, thus yielding unparalleled brilliance and millions of dollars that you’ll accrue through transactions with the aforementioned plebeians. Life will then be marvelous, because contrary to popular belief, money does buy happiness! Just think about it… Models on lock.(I’m pretty sure girls like money… So you’ll have to rely on that due to your noted deficiency in social skills.) Sports cars on lock. Mansion(s) on lock. Neato high tech toys on lock. Fancy booze on lock. Casual sports on lock.

    Just kidding though! Those things are cool, but money doesn’t buy happiness, just ask Orange County. Making money doing what you’re passionate about on the other hand, will certainly increase your chances of true happiness. So good luck! You’re certainly well on your way, we believe in you Russ!

    Fuck… I really need to get a job. You better entertain me in the future funny man.

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