Cop Week: Day 1 — The Meter Maid

Every day this week, I’ll attempt to entertain you with a tale of one of my run-ins with law enforcement! Here we go!

As an exemplary example of upstanding citizenship, I’ve had very few interactions of the cop variety. In fact, I can almost count them on one hand, but every time I get to 2, I get distracted!

As a child, I was rarely let out of the house, and even then, my leash only allowed me to stray so far from my parents without being choked, so beyond the occasional leash gnawing, I had little opportunity for mischief.

But all that changed when, at the ripe young age of 16, my parents took off the harness and forced me to get my learner’s permit. The only flaw in their plan was that they had to sit in the passenger seat for 6 months while I drove frighteningly close to parked cars, swerved into oncoming traffic, ran down cones, small mammals, and small, cone-shaped mammals, and was generally unable to control my new power.

With moderate power comes a similar level of responsibility, and now that I was behind the wheel of a car, I was subject to the rules of the road and the authority of the roadkeepers. Soon enough, there would be a head-on collision… metaphorically.

Encounter One: The Meter Maid!

The year was 2004. It was a crisp afternoon, the kind where the air smells like rotting seaweed and opportunity. The sun shone overhead, casting an aura of growth and joy upon me, and I thought then of fields of wheat, my favorite grain. My thoughts quickly turned to milling, literally, then bread, and finally settled into a lust for sandwiches. It wasn’t long before my maternal unit similarly succumbed to the sun-induced line of reasoning, and, taken by her desire, she phoned in an order for a Pastrami on Rye. She never could’ve known what that sandwich would cost us, never could’ve foretold the effect that simple order would have on our family.

That was one of the days I was practicing my none-too-reassuring driving, so it was I who turned the wheel and pulled up to the sandwich factory. But the fates conspired against us that day—there were no parking spots. My mother, bless her misguided heart, told me to park in the red—it was just for a second. I argued, but the sandwich frenzy was upon her like I’d never seen, so I grudgingly obeyed.

Critical Hit! From out of nowhere, a meter maid knocked on the window! Flustered beyond reckoning, I started weeping like a little girl trapped in too tight a leash.

But the meter maid was a ruthless Fräulein, and before I knew it, I’d gotten my first and only parking ticket, and also had my first encounter with the law, albeit the lowest and most loathsome form.

It doesn’t really count though, since I passed the blame off on my mom and didn’t have to pay for anything because she felt guilty.

Stay tuned for Day 2 of Cop Week, in which the intrepid Russ learns takes apart his car to determine if it’s a Transformer in disguise.


Filed under Stories

111 responses to “Cop Week: Day 1 — The Meter Maid

  1. Awesome. 😛 I love the last frame. Game Boy Pokemon or Phantasy Star IV, if I’m not mistaken?

  2. Oh my god, the pokemon gif! Brilliant work, right there. The story was riveting, as usual.

  3. Haha funny.
    Here in India, driving is a pain. There are almost no rules.

  4. I’m glad you told me your collision with the Meter Maid was only metaphorical. For a moment there I thought you were Randy Moss.

  5. Hahahahaha! Just your luck 😛

    Your mum must’ve been really happy she got the sandwiches, no?? 😉

  6. OMG — that last frame is hysterical! How did you do that? Had me in paroxyms of joyous laughter!

  7. What a great topic! There’s something very Christmasy about cops, isn’t there? Pretty flashing lights, presents, tear-jerkers…

    I loved the transition from rotting seaweed to pastrami on rye!! I’m with booksnob, I want pastrami now.

    • Haha. So true! During December they should change their lights to red and green instead of blue.

      My friends and I used to talk about how great it would be if cops pulled you over then handed you lollipops, just so you could experience the uncommon sensation of relief, though I guess tickets are pretty good presents too.

      I hope all you good readers have a way to satisfy this pastrami urge that I accidentally instilled in you!

  8. The last frame made me laugh out loud in front of my class. I had been acting as though I was doing something productive on my computer. So, thanks for blowing my cover.

    Gave you guys a shout out on my latest post. Thanks again for the award. Looking forward to the rest of cop week!

    • I died the moment I saw that gif too. I say something like “Sam, make it so I use ‘pass blame’ to defeat the meter maid,” and he responds, “Russ, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” and I’m like, “I dunno, like Pokemon or something.”

      And then he comes up with THIS! Which is totally awesome. I don’t know how he does it, and I’m sure he’s self-conscious about me praising his brilliance. Anyway, I’m glad we blew your cover. It’s always fun to crack people up in awkward situations!

  9. msperfectpatty

    Lol another excellent story and I love the last picture! brilliant and as alway hilarious =)

  10. Jenn Jennings

    I don’t even LIKE pastrami and I want one now. Is this a secret super-power you have, Russ?

  11. writingandrecovering

    Learning how to drive is scary and it’s probably worse for parents. I love the pokemon gif. Great story as always.

  12. “The only flaw in their plan was that they had to sit in the passenger seat for 6 months while I drove frighteningly close to parked cars, swerved into oncoming traffic, ran down cones, small mammals, and small, cone-shaped mammals, and was generally unable to control my new power.” –> You are quite brilliant, good sir. Great story! 😉

  13. Just stumbled upon your blog. I’m glad I did, I needed a good laugh. Will be back!

  14. Brilliant!
    Reminded me a little of the first time I got a ticket, it was literally the same day I got the license.
    Love your ability to turn a humorous phrase and your cartooning is hilarious – great work on the gif/animation at the end by the way, really awesome!

  15. The picture! IT’S MOVING!!

  16. that there ‘maid’ is sporting quite the five o’clock shadow

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