I Have No Style

Russ is still sleeping off his post–Spring Break hangover. So this week all you loyal Reasonably Ludicrous followers will have to deal with something different: me, Sam.  My writing style is notably different from Russ’s  in that he is fun and I am not.

That’s not entirely accurate. It’s that Russ can find happy, collaborative humor, the kind that everyone can enjoy together. I can’t do that kind of humor. The only way I can be funny is to point out when there is a problem. Usually I’m the subject of my own humor, because as I have proven time and time again, I am an exceptionally easy target.

I often wonder if this self-deprecation is an inherent quality of my upbringing. It’s not unreasonable to speculate that some few formative experiences molded me into a shuddering mass of neuroses, and that the long institutionalization within the hearth of the American School System fired me into the man that I am today: somewhat lumpy and increasingly fragile. It’s only now that I’m exposed to the cool air of reality that I realize there’s not a glaze in the world that can fix the cracks in the clay.

But you didn’t come here to listen to me sculpt abstractions; you want some concrete. Well here’s the truth, folks. I was, tragically, born without a sense of fashion.

I was doomed from the start. Near-sightedness prevented the development of crucial pattern-recognition, leaving me unable to distinguish the hideous from the complex. My parents, naïve fools that they were, decided to allow me to pick my own clothing. And for whatever god-forsaken reason (maybe because of Todd next door, who was always grilling fish in them) I attached myself to Hawaiian Shirts.

I would wear them everywhere. Their combination of formal and fun made them perfect for literally all occasions:




The Beach!

Utility has always guided my decisions in some way or another, which was why I also liked to complement my ensemble with cargo shorts (keeps you cool, and so many pockets!).

It took me well in to high school to realize that these outfits were actively hindering my acceptance into the fold of mainstream society. Rather than alluring, peacock-like flair that drew attention towards me, these rainbow colored masterpieces of tessellation were actively alienating me from the opposite sex I had heard so many great things about.

Had I had a traditional childhood, I’d have been blessed with elementary-school bullies who would have stomped my ‘style’ out of me before I had time to grow a collection. But either I went to a particularly nice school or I was too tall to be pushed around, because the only person who told me I looked like an idiot was my sister, and that’s what she always said anyways so why would I listen to her?

So I continued on, dimly aware that I wasn’t exactly ‘stylin’’ but that was okay because I had a style all my own.  In fact, it was that sense of individuality and aversion to peer pressure that solidified my resolve to continue wearing Hawaiian shirts. I wasn’t going to do the ‘cool’ thing, just because everyone (and I mean everyone) told me I should. They were just imposing their conformist ideas of ‘fashion’ on me because they couldn’t handle how unique I looked.

Gradually, however, the social stigma overcame the joy. The joy of integrity is worth only so much to a pubescent high-schooler. At some point I caught on that if I was going to get ahead in this world I was going to have to put the Hawaiian shirts away for good.  So I phased all but my favorites out of the rotation, and eventually those went as well.

I could never bring myself to get rid of them completely. To this day some of them hang lonely in the corner of my closet back home, hoping beyond hope that the next time the door slides open it will be me, ready to take them on a trip. But instead it’s my cat, looking for a damp place to hack up a hairball.

Now this might have been a simple, bittersweet-but-ultimately-happy story about a boy putting away childish notions to become a man. But that’s not the kind of story I tell. My lack of fashion sense isn’t limited to Hawaiian shirts, you see. It’s a constant, malevolent force, just looking for a new way to manifest itself. It worms its way through my psyche, waiting for me to make a choice just bad enough that people will gently chide me for my lack of self-awareness. But the joke’s on them, because that will simply convince me that I should continue on my way, just to show them they don’t own me.

In college I was finally able to grow my hair beyond my collar (I had gone to a Catholic school with a strict dress code against facial hair and hippies), which I overcompensated for by not cutting my hair, at all. This was a brilliantly freeing notion to me, because my hair had always worked against me in high school. It grew quickly and unevenly, and I would comb it into all sorts of terrifying shapes. But now I would embrace my hair and allow it to become what it had always wanted to be. There was a brief phase of white-man afro, after which it collapsed from its own weight and became a kind of shaggy mane. I thought this was awesome. I decided I would grow it out until it was a ponytail. But my normally sprouting-like-a-weed hair-growth rate slows to a crawl right after about 10 inches. I managed to tie it all back, but all I could produce was a little puff ball.

I know what you’re thinking. This is the hair of a bad-ass muthafucka. But my social calendar from that period, if I kept a social calendar, would have told a very different story.

Nowadays my hair is a much more reasonable length. I wear t-shirts with only one funny picture on it once, as opposed to many times over and over again. If I have a formal occasion to go to I have a selection of ties, which have tasteful patterns and no pictures of the Cat in the Hat.

And yet still, I am haunted. Recently I was visiting with Sarah and Karen, these two girls that I had taken a trip with the previous summer. Somehow, I don’t know, somehow they got to talking about how poorly I had dressed on this trip.

Apparently it had been the subject of much hilarity, none of which I had been privy to. I had actually been a source of regular entertainment for them, wondering what eye-gouging ensemble I’d put together next. It had been so bad that our other friend Mark had actively avoided being seen with me in public.

“Remember the jeans shorts?” Karen burst out, and they both collapsed into hysterics.

I made a mental note not to wear my jeans shorts when I saw them again the next day.

Did you know that jeans shorts are a fashion faux pas? Because I sure didn’t. But they are. There’s even a derogatory term for them: jorts.  It seems that Jorts (which redirects to Shorts on Wikipedia) are the kind of clothing suburban moms wear, and only when they’re hanging out around the house, not you know, out. This is apparently common knowledge, and according to Karen has been so since the early 2000’s. I’ve been wearing jeans shorts for the entirety of my 23 years of existence, and this is the first I hear of it.

This does little to allay my perpetual suspicion that everyone I know is keeping secrets from me.


What I don’t understand is, if they felt so strongly about my fashion choices, why not they tell me? Why allow me to repeatedly make a fool of myself in public? Why bother to protect my feelings in the first place, only to reveal the horrible truth to me afterwards, when there’s nothing I can do about it?

“Well it wasn’t really a big deal most of the time”, explained Sarah. “We were out of the country, so you just looked like a tourist.” After all, it wasn’t until we had gotten to New York that Mark began actively avoiding being seen in public with me. He had people to impress, whereas in China everyone was going to stare at the gay black man no matter what he wore, or how unstylish his companions.

So with tact not dissimilar to my fashion sense I will transition into a conclusion about all of this, which is that fashion is context-dependent. You judge what’s acceptable based on perception of surroundings, a mix of conscious and subconscious notions of stylistic relationships and your current surroundings. It’s how you know that something is ‘inappropriate’ for an occasion—style is judged by how something responds to normalcy. There’s a reason they call a sense of style ‘taste’– like taste, style is entirely based on the subjective accumulation of perception.  And if it’s subjective, I can spin it in my favor.

So it’s not that I don’t have a sense of fashion. Rather, I have a limited palate. I’m a ‘picky’ stylist, in that I make choices not based on what other people think when they see it, but rather what appeals to me personally, for whatever formative experiences led me to that conclusion. Sure, my nipples may poke through this shirt like tiny little pebbles. But it’s 100% cotton! Not hanging up my pants doesn’t make me a slob, it makes me a hipster! Hawaiian shirts are cheesy now, but I’ll be hailed as a visionary in a matter of decades! You just wait.


Filed under Observations, Sam

24 responses to “I Have No Style

  1. And it’s shtill technically Tuesday! Sham, you’ve shaved my drunken assh yet again. I love you sho musch broshtein. Woooooo

  2. Sam, you’re funny too.=) It was fun reading your post and your sense of style. =B

  3. omicronceti3

    I fondly remember one time at work when a coworker was announcing an upcoming all-day staff meeting. Someone asked about the appropriate dress, and she said, “Anything is fine… You can dress from Steve all the way down to John.” Wow! I was noted for holding down the very bottom of the dress spectrum! I’ve always been proud of that, not only for the achievement but because it makes everyone else feel good, in that they can be confident they look sharper than at least one person…. It’s a valuable service!

    BTW, love your drawing of the furball slightly staining a ring in the fabric. I’ve been there!

  4. To be fair, I have never met a person wearing a hawaiian shirt who WASN’T awesome … To be fair, they all fit into the “Simpsons” philosophy: “There are only two types of guys who wear hawaiian shirts — gay guys and big fat party animals!”

    …Come to think of it, I’ve known many big fat party animals in my lifetime. Odd.

    Anyhoodley doodley, brilliant post, Sam! You is a funny kid. 😀

  5. Fashion is general conception. It’s what we human created. I understand you and I also understand that we need to live with people. I had been making mistakes about common fashion concept when I was a kid too but not that I wanted to change it (I wore cargo).
    The entirety of my almost 23 years of existence, I have been wearing jeans shorts too…. I don’t know it’s forbidden, but I think the point is to wear it above knees at least 6 inches (I’m short, so maybe more than that to other people) and it should be faded jeans or bleached…. It’s for women, though, I don’t think it suits men style 😛

  6. Poor guy!!
    I had a good laugh at the “jorts”!!
    You should just go to a clothing shop – look at what the mannequins are wearing, and buy that outfit.
    Alternatively – as long as you are comfy, why care what other people think of it? Maybe it’s because i’m old, but really – as long as i don’t stink, I don’t really care what I wear!

  7. derekberry

    This was very, very funny. I hope you keep posting more, Sam!
    And yes, jorts are so terrible. They’re uncomfortable too!

  8. Jorts, Hawaiian shirts and a pony tail practically guarantees you a job in Hollywood as a producer – don’t give up on them too soon!

  9. sj

    God, the ponytail puffball had me laughing so hard – and the religious Hawaiian shirt!

    Thanks for filling in, Sam (and, for apparently shaving Russ MORE THAN ONCE).

  10. This was really good. The posts on your blog make my day:)

  11. I like the Cat in the Hat tie 🙂

  12. I know exactly how you feel.

  13. I am a big fan of inappropriate dressing! I just like to make people’s day, when they meet me at cafés or supermarkets and I am wearing a Beetlejuice-striped skirt and a tailcoat leather jacket 🙂

  14. Pepe

    I also have the Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts gene. Just this week at Costco I had the urge to buy one of those Hawaiian style shirts of varied colors and designs, but I overcame the urge because in past years I saw them all over the place and even had a son-in-law wear the exact same one at a party. Also, I admit I wore them to hide my girth, but lost 35 pounds, so I am cured.

  15. Sorry about that girlfriend thing. I love artists. I drew my profile pic! Apparently, I was just too busy hiding behind bushes stalking Rush.

  16. Mike

    nice post 🙂 I like the self-conscious style of your writing! It reminds me of my own attempts to write for a general audience (many of them never finished – the self-criticism often gets the better of me), so it’s inspiring to see someone pushing through that barrier and actually publishing the damn thing!

    actually I think the whole ‘collaborative humour’ thing works on the same context-dependent level as fashion: it’s all about falling within a ‘safe’ distance of the norm. while for western fashion that means no jorts/hawaiian shirts/any number of other secretly prohibited items, for internet blogging it means using certain easily recognisable styles of humour (albeit with a personal twist), and NOT including too much emotionally sensitive/self-conscious personal detail.

    recognising stuff like this comforts me quite a lot and gives me confidence to write more easily the next time I sit down – *not* just so I can conform my style that bit closer to the norms (although this will naturally happen a bit anyway), but also so that I can continue transgressing the norms (by being openly self-conscious/staying true to my personal sense of humour), just this time with a bit less self-choking and a bit more creativity. They’re just norms after all, and as normative environments go the internet’s a pretty open-minded place to start challenging them (it makes real life’s fashion police look like the spanish inquisition in comparison (fortunately only metaphorically)).

    of course, this theory could be a load of horse shit and you might feel that our writing styles couldn’t have less in common unless we wrote in different languages… but anyway, I still like your post 🙂

  17. FredTheMan

    Well, Sam,
    There may be something to that inheritance thing. There’s a cat is hacking up hairballs here though I’m sure not in your room!

  18. hayleydid

    More posts from Sam! I love Sam. I also love Russ too though.
    More posts!

  19. I have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger award! Please go to http://the-morning.org/2012/03/31/the-sunshine-award-my-first-nomination/ to see how to accept. 🙂

  20. Anything can be worn with confidence Sam.

    I keep my jorts under my wizard robes. 😉

  21. girltherapy

    Girlies are judging your outfit, whether silently or not, immediately they set eyes on you. Some items of clothing will NEVER be acceptable in a girls eyes – trendy clothing is a dating deal breaker – ‘worn for comfort’ is never an option – if we have to suffer agonising blisters to wear those toe-pinching shoes that make our legs look sexy, then guys can surely put a bit of effort into dressing! 🙂

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