Tag Archives: Cats

I Have No Style

Russ is still sleeping off his post–Spring Break hangover. So this week all you loyal Reasonably Ludicrous followers will have to deal with something different: me, Sam.  My writing style is notably different from Russ’s  in that he is fun and I am not.

That’s not entirely accurate. It’s that Russ can find happy, collaborative humor, the kind that everyone can enjoy together. I can’t do that kind of humor. The only way I can be funny is to point out when there is a problem. Usually I’m the subject of my own humor, because as I have proven time and time again, I am an exceptionally easy target.

I often wonder if this self-deprecation is an inherent quality of my upbringing. It’s not unreasonable to speculate that some few formative experiences molded me into a shuddering mass of neuroses, and that the long institutionalization within the hearth of the American School System fired me into the man that I am today: somewhat lumpy and increasingly fragile. It’s only now that I’m exposed to the cool air of reality that I realize there’s not a glaze in the world that can fix the cracks in the clay.

But you didn’t come here to listen to me sculpt abstractions; you want some concrete. Well here’s the truth, folks. I was, tragically, born without a sense of fashion.

I was doomed from the start. Near-sightedness prevented the development of crucial pattern-recognition, leaving me unable to distinguish the hideous from the complex. My parents, naïve fools that they were, decided to allow me to pick my own clothing. And for whatever god-forsaken reason (maybe because of Todd next door, who was always grilling fish in them) I attached myself to Hawaiian Shirts.

I would wear them everywhere. Their combination of formal and fun made them perfect for literally all occasions:

Parties!

Class!

Church!

The Beach!

Utility has always guided my decisions in some way or another, which was why I also liked to complement my ensemble with cargo shorts (keeps you cool, and so many pockets!).

It took me well in to high school to realize that these outfits were actively hindering my acceptance into the fold of mainstream society. Rather than alluring, peacock-like flair that drew attention towards me, these rainbow colored masterpieces of tessellation were actively alienating me from the opposite sex I had heard so many great things about.

Had I had a traditional childhood, I’d have been blessed with elementary-school bullies who would have stomped my ‘style’ out of me before I had time to grow a collection. But either I went to a particularly nice school or I was too tall to be pushed around, because the only person who told me I looked like an idiot was my sister, and that’s what she always said anyways so why would I listen to her?

So I continued on, dimly aware that I wasn’t exactly ‘stylin’’ but that was okay because I had a style all my own.  In fact, it was that sense of individuality and aversion to peer pressure that solidified my resolve to continue wearing Hawaiian shirts. I wasn’t going to do the ‘cool’ thing, just because everyone (and I mean everyone) told me I should. They were just imposing their conformist ideas of ‘fashion’ on me because they couldn’t handle how unique I looked.

Gradually, however, the social stigma overcame the joy. The joy of integrity is worth only so much to a pubescent high-schooler. At some point I caught on that if I was going to get ahead in this world I was going to have to put the Hawaiian shirts away for good.  So I phased all but my favorites out of the rotation, and eventually those went as well.

I could never bring myself to get rid of them completely. To this day some of them hang lonely in the corner of my closet back home, hoping beyond hope that the next time the door slides open it will be me, ready to take them on a trip. But instead it’s my cat, looking for a damp place to hack up a hairball.

Now this might have been a simple, bittersweet-but-ultimately-happy story about a boy putting away childish notions to become a man. But that’s not the kind of story I tell. My lack of fashion sense isn’t limited to Hawaiian shirts, you see. It’s a constant, malevolent force, just looking for a new way to manifest itself. It worms its way through my psyche, waiting for me to make a choice just bad enough that people will gently chide me for my lack of self-awareness. But the joke’s on them, because that will simply convince me that I should continue on my way, just to show them they don’t own me.

In college I was finally able to grow my hair beyond my collar (I had gone to a Catholic school with a strict dress code against facial hair and hippies), which I overcompensated for by not cutting my hair, at all. This was a brilliantly freeing notion to me, because my hair had always worked against me in high school. It grew quickly and unevenly, and I would comb it into all sorts of terrifying shapes. But now I would embrace my hair and allow it to become what it had always wanted to be. There was a brief phase of white-man afro, after which it collapsed from its own weight and became a kind of shaggy mane. I thought this was awesome. I decided I would grow it out until it was a ponytail. But my normally sprouting-like-a-weed hair-growth rate slows to a crawl right after about 10 inches. I managed to tie it all back, but all I could produce was a little puff ball.

I know what you’re thinking. This is the hair of a bad-ass muthafucka. But my social calendar from that period, if I kept a social calendar, would have told a very different story.

Nowadays my hair is a much more reasonable length. I wear t-shirts with only one funny picture on it once, as opposed to many times over and over again. If I have a formal occasion to go to I have a selection of ties, which have tasteful patterns and no pictures of the Cat in the Hat.

And yet still, I am haunted. Recently I was visiting with Sarah and Karen, these two girls that I had taken a trip with the previous summer. Somehow, I don’t know, somehow they got to talking about how poorly I had dressed on this trip.

Apparently it had been the subject of much hilarity, none of which I had been privy to. I had actually been a source of regular entertainment for them, wondering what eye-gouging ensemble I’d put together next. It had been so bad that our other friend Mark had actively avoided being seen with me in public.

“Remember the jeans shorts?” Karen burst out, and they both collapsed into hysterics.

I made a mental note not to wear my jeans shorts when I saw them again the next day.

Did you know that jeans shorts are a fashion faux pas? Because I sure didn’t. But they are. There’s even a derogatory term for them: jorts.  It seems that Jorts (which redirects to Shorts on Wikipedia) are the kind of clothing suburban moms wear, and only when they’re hanging out around the house, not you know, out. This is apparently common knowledge, and according to Karen has been so since the early 2000’s. I’ve been wearing jeans shorts for the entirety of my 23 years of existence, and this is the first I hear of it.

This does little to allay my perpetual suspicion that everyone I know is keeping secrets from me.

••••

What I don’t understand is, if they felt so strongly about my fashion choices, why not they tell me? Why allow me to repeatedly make a fool of myself in public? Why bother to protect my feelings in the first place, only to reveal the horrible truth to me afterwards, when there’s nothing I can do about it?

“Well it wasn’t really a big deal most of the time”, explained Sarah. “We were out of the country, so you just looked like a tourist.” After all, it wasn’t until we had gotten to New York that Mark began actively avoiding being seen in public with me. He had people to impress, whereas in China everyone was going to stare at the gay black man no matter what he wore, or how unstylish his companions.

So with tact not dissimilar to my fashion sense I will transition into a conclusion about all of this, which is that fashion is context-dependent. You judge what’s acceptable based on perception of surroundings, a mix of conscious and subconscious notions of stylistic relationships and your current surroundings. It’s how you know that something is ‘inappropriate’ for an occasion—style is judged by how something responds to normalcy. There’s a reason they call a sense of style ‘taste’– like taste, style is entirely based on the subjective accumulation of perception.  And if it’s subjective, I can spin it in my favor.

So it’s not that I don’t have a sense of fashion. Rather, I have a limited palate. I’m a ‘picky’ stylist, in that I make choices not based on what other people think when they see it, but rather what appeals to me personally, for whatever formative experiences led me to that conclusion. Sure, my nipples may poke through this shirt like tiny little pebbles. But it’s 100% cotton! Not hanging up my pants doesn’t make me a slob, it makes me a hipster! Hawaiian shirts are cheesy now, but I’ll be hailed as a visionary in a matter of decades! You just wait.

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The Single Person’s Guide to Not Being Sad on Valentine’s Day

A handy list of Do’s an Don’t’s!

DO

Wander around your apartment in your underwear. Or, if you’re feeling ‘ballsy,’ completely naked! Your girlfriend was the one who always wanted you to “put some clothes on, for god’s sake.” You thought that was counterproductive–she was just going to take them off anyway! Well now’s your chance to feel those hard-to-reach spots get caressed by the winds of freedom rather than by someone who demands you come to every single one of her interpretive dance recitals. Enjoy it!

DO

Watch at least 5 episodes of Entourage or any other show that makes relationships look worthless and singleness seem awesome. Don’t you want to be those guys? Well, if you were dating, you couldn’t be.

DON’T

Watch The Notebook or Love, Actually, or anything that’s not about rampant casual sex or a lot of killing. Be careful. In some of those movies that seem like they’re about casual sex (No Strings Attached, Strictly Sexual, Friends with Benefits) the main characters actually develop feelings and learn to grow and love each other! That’s exactly what you’re trying to avoid!

DON’T

Pull out that scrapbook your girlfriend gave you last Valentine’s day when you were still a couple. Look how happy you both were. She was so beautiful, and you had the most the wonderful times together. What could possibly have happened? Where did you go wrong? Why did she leave you? Whyyyyyy?!?!

DO

Get a little drunk. He thought you had a drinking problem, but you know that’s not true. The simple fact of the matter is that there’s nothing wrong with a few double-apple vodkatinis if it will help you forget the way he used to gently brush your hair back behind your ear. Alcohol makes it harder to feel anything, and things you can’t fully understand don’t bother you quite as much. So this Valentine’s day, get yourself a present: gallons of homemade bathtub hooch! As you relax, your pores will suck in the liquid indifference!

DON’T

Get too drunk. Because then you’re going to send some very regrettable text messages.

DO

Create a Facebook page for your cat. In a recent study, cats were proven to be the #1 way to distract yourself from your loneliness. How better to make your pet seem more like a real person than by giving it an internet presence?

DON’T

Facebook stalk your exes and compare yourself to their new girlfriends. They’re better than you. And on the off chance that they’re just skanks, what is he doing with her?!

DON’T

Compose love poems. Trust me; I’m an English major. Nothing is sadder than composing poetry, except for composing bad poetry. And anything you write right now is going to be pretty emo.

DO

Burn love poems, gaining strength from the heat of their passion. A bit of cackling is also recommended.

DON’T

Leave your apartment for any reason. Right now, couples everywhere are painstakingly attempting to fulfill their most elaborate fantasies for one another, reveling in an exhilarating exchange of physical and mental gratification.  If you step outside your haven, you’re bound to see couples engaging in that horrible sensation known as “joy.” This might send you into a fit of jealousy and rage, and that would be bad for your digestion.

DO

Eat away the pain. And if you want to wipe your hands on your clothes, go for it! Nobody’s watching. You can be as messy and self-destructive as you want. It’s your body—you’re not sharing it with anyone anymore. Stuff it with fried chicken and chocolate all day long! Well, maybe not chocolate. She used to love chocolate…

DON’T

Go on a first date. On Valentine’s Day? What are you, insane? That’s way too much pressure. If it goes well, the whole thing will start on such a romantic note that you’ll feel obligated to see it through till marriage. But how could it even go well? Why would she agree to a date on today of all days? Is she using you to fill some gap in her meaningless life? Are you using her for the same reason? What are her expectations? If you do end up hooking up, would she mind if you cried afterward? Better just to avoid the whole thing.

DON’T

Call your parents. They will probably attempt to console you, and having your parents on your side can be a terrible feeling. If not that, they’ll pester you about not having anyone, using keywords like “grandchildren” and “who could ever love someone like you anyway?”

DO

Send yourselves flowers. Nothing like some flowers to brighten up your day and/or room of mournful memories.

DON’T

Tell anyone.

DO
Spend some quality time with your favorite toys. They’ll never be able to abandon you—you took out their batteries.

DO

Feel a sense of healthy indignation. Why should you pander to a holiday with roots so muddled your elementary school teachers didn’t even understand them. What does the decapitation of an 8th century priest have to do with chocolate hearts and overpriced bouquets? It hasn’t got the logic of a rabbit delivering eggs or a fat man squeezing down a chimney pipe, so therefore you’re allowed to ignore it. A flying fat kid with a bow and arrow? How are you supposed to be romantic with the thought of that hovering above you? In fact, it’s probably best that you forget the holiday exists entirely. From now on, let February 14th be known as “Normal Day Day,” upon which all the men and women of the world will go to work, come home, and that night, be visited by the headache fairy, whose magical pixie dust grants you the excuse of being “too tired” tonight, honey.

There you have it. With this simple guide, you’ll be able to avoid the pain this invented, pressure-filled holiday confers on all of us. Good luck! And have a happy Normal Day Day, everyone!

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