Tag Archives: Drowning Your Problems with Bathtub Hooch

The Single Person’s Guide to Not Being Sad on Valentine’s Day

A handy list of Do’s an Don’t’s!

DO

Wander around your apartment in your underwear. Or, if you’re feeling ‘ballsy,’ completely naked! Your girlfriend was the one who always wanted you to “put some clothes on, for god’s sake.” You thought that was counterproductive–she was just going to take them off anyway! Well now’s your chance to feel those hard-to-reach spots get caressed by the winds of freedom rather than by someone who demands you come to every single one of her interpretive dance recitals. Enjoy it!

DO

Watch at least 5 episodes of Entourage or any other show that makes relationships look worthless and singleness seem awesome. Don’t you want to be those guys? Well, if you were dating, you couldn’t be.

DON’T

Watch The Notebook or Love, Actually, or anything that’s not about rampant casual sex or a lot of killing. Be careful. In some of those movies that seem like they’re about casual sex (No Strings Attached, Strictly Sexual, Friends with Benefits) the main characters actually develop feelings and learn to grow and love each other! That’s exactly what you’re trying to avoid!

DON’T

Pull out that scrapbook your girlfriend gave you last Valentine’s day when you were still a couple. Look how happy you both were. She was so beautiful, and you had the most the wonderful times together. What could possibly have happened? Where did you go wrong? Why did she leave you? Whyyyyyy?!?!

DO

Get a little drunk. He thought you had a drinking problem, but you know that’s not true. The simple fact of the matter is that there’s nothing wrong with a few double-apple vodkatinis if it will help you forget the way he used to gently brush your hair back behind your ear. Alcohol makes it harder to feel anything, and things you can’t fully understand don’t bother you quite as much. So this Valentine’s day, get yourself a present: gallons of homemade bathtub hooch! As you relax, your pores will suck in the liquid indifference!

DON’T

Get too drunk. Because then you’re going to send some very regrettable text messages.

DO

Create a Facebook page for your cat. In a recent study, cats were proven to be the #1 way to distract yourself from your loneliness. How better to make your pet seem more like a real person than by giving it an internet presence?

DON’T

Facebook stalk your exes and compare yourself to their new girlfriends. They’re better than you. And on the off chance that they’re just skanks, what is he doing with her?!

DON’T

Compose love poems. Trust me; I’m an English major. Nothing is sadder than composing poetry, except for composing bad poetry. And anything you write right now is going to be pretty emo.

DO

Burn love poems, gaining strength from the heat of their passion. A bit of cackling is also recommended.

DON’T

Leave your apartment for any reason. Right now, couples everywhere are painstakingly attempting to fulfill their most elaborate fantasies for one another, reveling in an exhilarating exchange of physical and mental gratification.  If you step outside your haven, you’re bound to see couples engaging in that horrible sensation known as “joy.” This might send you into a fit of jealousy and rage, and that would be bad for your digestion.

DO

Eat away the pain. And if you want to wipe your hands on your clothes, go for it! Nobody’s watching. You can be as messy and self-destructive as you want. It’s your body—you’re not sharing it with anyone anymore. Stuff it with fried chicken and chocolate all day long! Well, maybe not chocolate. She used to love chocolate…

DON’T

Go on a first date. On Valentine’s Day? What are you, insane? That’s way too much pressure. If it goes well, the whole thing will start on such a romantic note that you’ll feel obligated to see it through till marriage. But how could it even go well? Why would she agree to a date on today of all days? Is she using you to fill some gap in her meaningless life? Are you using her for the same reason? What are her expectations? If you do end up hooking up, would she mind if you cried afterward? Better just to avoid the whole thing.

DON’T

Call your parents. They will probably attempt to console you, and having your parents on your side can be a terrible feeling. If not that, they’ll pester you about not having anyone, using keywords like “grandchildren” and “who could ever love someone like you anyway?”

DO

Send yourselves flowers. Nothing like some flowers to brighten up your day and/or room of mournful memories.

DON’T

Tell anyone.

DO
Spend some quality time with your favorite toys. They’ll never be able to abandon you—you took out their batteries.

DO

Feel a sense of healthy indignation. Why should you pander to a holiday with roots so muddled your elementary school teachers didn’t even understand them. What does the decapitation of an 8th century priest have to do with chocolate hearts and overpriced bouquets? It hasn’t got the logic of a rabbit delivering eggs or a fat man squeezing down a chimney pipe, so therefore you’re allowed to ignore it. A flying fat kid with a bow and arrow? How are you supposed to be romantic with the thought of that hovering above you? In fact, it’s probably best that you forget the holiday exists entirely. From now on, let February 14th be known as “Normal Day Day,” upon which all the men and women of the world will go to work, come home, and that night, be visited by the headache fairy, whose magical pixie dust grants you the excuse of being “too tired” tonight, honey.

There you have it. With this simple guide, you’ll be able to avoid the pain this invented, pressure-filled holiday confers on all of us. Good luck! And have a happy Normal Day Day, everyone!

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