I stood by the side of the road, shaking, whimpering, pleading. I wished desperately that things had gone differently, that somewhere along the line a butterfly had flapped those little wings in some other direction, but deep down I knew there was nothing I could’ve done to prepare myself. He was a lawman, my greatest foe, and neither wit nor intellect would be able to help me this time.
But how did it come to this?
The year was still 2010, and I’d ridden into town not a week back. It was one of those days when the dust caught in your teeth and the air crackled with the reverberations of warning. Brian, the roommate, was having coffee withdrawals and needed to go to a snooty coffee shop to re-up on his fair-trade organic beans. To hide his addiction from the rest of the world, he usually brings a friend along to create an illusion of normalcy. That day, it was my turn. A long bike ride and some unsuccessful barista flirting left a bad taste in my mouth. So did the coffee.
When the roommate saw the sky was getting on toward afternoon and he’d be late for class, my so-called “friend” abandoned me and sped off into the distance. I was alone, trapped in the bewildering and hostile streets of what Oprah called the happiest town in America. I set my jaw and rode for home, but something was wrong.
I was biking on the sidewalk! In an effort to be more lawful and avoid further complications with the overzealous wardens of “justice” that patrolled this backwater whistle-stop, I crossed to the right-hand side of the road and continued my frantic pedaling, but something was still off. Before I could sniff it out, Motorcycle & Mustache pulled up alongside me and started yelling to get to the corner and dismount.
Apparently, I’d unknowingly committed one of the most appalling atrocities that man is capable of: biking against one-way traffic for about 15 feet. Mustache sauntered over to me, aviators lending a daunting aura to his hillbilly strength.
Cop: “DO YOU WANT TO DIE TODAY?!”
Russ: “Uhhh…”
Cop: “ARE YOU TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE?!” He seemed not to have basic control over the volume of his voice, but I didn’t mention it for fear he had some sort of disorder. “Cause this is a DAMN good way to do it!!!”
I could kill myself a dozen better ways without breaking a sweat, I thought, ready to rise to the challenge.
But I let it lie, deciding that correcting him probably wasn’t the best idea.
Cop: “You a Cal Poly student?” His question dripped venom. I got the impression that his wife had been done in by a Poly student.
Just then, I knew I was safe. You see, I hadn’t gone to Cal Poly. As soon as I played the Stanford card, I’d be off the hook and back to swimmin’ upstream, err, up-traffic. So I played it.
Cop: “NOT VERY SMART FOR A STANFORD STUDENT ARE YOU?! DID YOU EVEN SEE THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC?! THREE LANES OF CARS! THREE! A STANFORD student can’t see that? DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING DEATH WISH?!?!”
Russ: “Uhhh…no, sir. I do not have a death wish,” I said meekly. “Honestly, it’s my first week in town and I didn’t know about the one-way streets.”
Cop: “HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?! THE CARS WERE COMING RIGHT AT YOU!”
It went on like this for some time, him insulting my skills of observation, me swearing on my grave that I didn’t want to die. Finally he handed me my ticket and left. My first and only real ticket.
Wait, that’s not true. Bike tickets aren’t real!
Check back tomorrow for Part 4: The Exciting Post before the Penultimate Post, in which Russ uses a test dummy to trick his parents into thinking he has friends.
Reasonably Ludicrous 
My best friend got a ticket for jaywalking in college. Really. I ticket for walking across the street in the wrong place. Retarded.
I didn’t know that actually happened. Then again, I didn’t know bike tickets happened either.
Kudos for keeping a straight face during all of this. 🙂 You’re a stronger man than me.
I’d like to think it’s because of my self-control, but the fear certainly played an important role.
Love the drawings of other ways to commit suicide. 😀
(I kind of think that bikes should be riding in a lane that goes against traffic..they’re small and don’t have side or rear view mirrors to see two tons of metal potentially hurtling towards them)
haha no comment
I think my brain just exploded, like those robots Captain Kirk defeats by forcing them to realize a contradiction.
Haha, great post! Love the Chuck Norris reference.
As a former UC Davis student (most bikes per capita in the US or something), I can tell you that bike tickets are real and they will show up on your DMV record. We actually had a lot of bike cops on campus and if you didn’t put your foot down at a stop sign, ticket! I actually had a friend who got his driver’s license revoked for a bike ticket, which is insane (he was still allowed to ride a bike though?).
Haha. I love that they punish you for being a bad bicyclist by revoking a relatively unrelated privilege.
I thought the ticket was going to be for riding on the sidewalk.
Interesting angry man. I find them to be very fun to observe.
Haha. Read all of them! I love the “suicide options,” especially the last. I’d choose that one, because it would be more “cool.” 😛
I’ve only gotten one ticket in my driving career so far. And that story is not nearly as entertaining. I just sat there and looked guilty! LOL!
Looking guilty can be entertaining, depending on the circumstances. And I’d definitely choose Chuck Norris too. What a way to go.
Where’s your darn helmet, Stanford, that’s what I want to know!
Good point. I was unsafe, but luckily, thanks to this experience, I no longer bike anywhere. Maybe that cop was just looking out for my life span.
Hitting Chuck Norris in the face with a gentleman’s glove… That’s the why I want to go.
RE: “living on the edge” pic, are the pants Cartoon-Russ is wearing his impetus to plummet?