Category Archives: Bullet Posts

Bullet Post 2: Return of the One-Liners

I sort of forgot how writing worked, but Sam has graciously taken it upon himself to retrain me. So far the process is showing promise, but it seems that it may take some time. Meanwhile, this bullet post should go partway to tiding you over, you hungry masses you. Hope you like one-liners!

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I thought about finally following my dream and doing stand-up comedy, but I was afraid people would laugh at me.

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That job in Human Resources takes on a whole new meaning when your employer is Soylent Green.

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I checked into my hotel and ordered some pay-per-view.

The clerk said a balcony was $300, so I just settled for A Room with a View.

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I ordered a magazine from Guns & Ammo, but it didn’t fit into my semi-automatic.

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One time I lost my feather duster, so I just let my parakeet out of its cage.

After all, would it really want to be trapped in a house with no feather duster?

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Visiting the elevator factory was pretty disappointing. I only got one story out of it.

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Proverbs:

A hero is a man who is afraid to run away. Or maybe that’s just a misguided coward.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but what are a thousand words worth anyway? In this economy? Not much. Mostly thanks to all those dimwits who keep blogging for free!

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but maybe not three or four. It’s hard to equate really. I bet it’d be worth a lot more if it were some kind of hunting bird that could kill and retrieve the bush birds.

Actions speak louder than words, and the action that speaks the loudest is yelling.

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It’s Time for a Bullet Post • Jokes, Rapid-Fire

I was going to write an amusing intro to this post explaining that it’s short because it’s the holidays and I’m lazy, but it’s the holidays and I’m lazy.

So without further, or in fact any, explanation, behold our very first Bullet Post!

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The other day I saw this huge, geared-out truck and thought, “Wow. A huge truck.” But then a fluffy toy poodle stuck its head out the window. I didn’t know what to think after that.

Maybe something like “Wow. A huge truck. And a poodle.”

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My girlfriend and I were talking on our cell phones when she said she wasn’t feeling the connection anymore. I said it was probably because she was going through a tunnel of love.

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I think about the Donner Party a lot.

  • Like, they probably invited their friends to travel west with them, and I bet some of them had bad hearing. “Want to come to the Donner party?” And the friend says, “A dinner party, you say?” How would they respond? Like, “Well, not yet, but check back when it starts snowing and I’ll see what I can do for you.”
  • And then when it finally comes to cannibalism, nobody would want to take the first bite. You’d have to be heartless. I’m tellin’ you, the guy who did it must’ve been seriously cold.
  • I wonder how the Donner Party would solve problems in modern day. Like, what if three of them are trying to get to a movie, but their car’s only a two-seater? I can imagine that being real problematic. Maybe they’d just decide to go to a showing that’s after lunch.

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I keep this notepad by my bed so if my mind’s racing and I can’t sleep, at least I can write down my ideas. The problem is,  I never remember to check it. So one night, in a flash of brilliance, I wrote, “check notepad.”

At least, I think I did.

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I created a document with all my post ideas. I wrote down about 70, then accidentally deleted it. But that’s ok, cause now I can write about that time I deleted my list of ideas.

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I wanted to figure out how important self-reliance was, so I took a poll.

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If I were Neil Armstrong and I fell on hard times, I’d just go around selling rocks. When people asked me why I was selling rocks, I’d say “They’re moon rocks!” and tell them I hid them in my pants. We’d laugh and laugh, and maybe they’d buy one, cause people will buy anything from Neil Armstrong.

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And finally, a proverb:

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. But once it breaks, you have two really strong chains, which, in some ways, is more useful.











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