I sort of forgot how writing worked, but Sam has graciously taken it upon himself to retrain me. So far the process is showing promise, but it seems that it may take some time. Meanwhile, this bullet post should go partway to tiding you over, you hungry masses you. Hope you like one-liners!
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I thought about finally following my dream and doing stand-up comedy, but I was afraid people would laugh at me.
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That job in Human Resources takes on a whole new meaning when your employer is Soylent Green.
••••
I checked into my hotel and ordered some pay-per-view.
The clerk said a balcony was $300, so I just settled for A Room with a View.
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I ordered a magazine from Guns & Ammo, but it didn’t fit into my semi-automatic.
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One time I lost my feather duster, so I just let my parakeet out of its cage.
After all, would it really want to be trapped in a house with no feather duster?
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Visiting the elevator factory was pretty disappointing. I only got one story out of it.
••••
Proverbs:
A hero is a man who is afraid to run away. Or maybe that’s just a misguided coward.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but what are a thousand words worth anyway? In this economy? Not much. Mostly thanks to all those dimwits who keep blogging for free!
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but maybe not three or four. It’s hard to equate really. I bet it’d be worth a lot more if it were some kind of hunting bird that could kill and retrieve the bush birds.
Actions speak louder than words, and the action that speaks the loudest is yelling.
Reasonably Ludicrous 
But I bet parasailing hippopotomi are worth a pretty penny, which still isn’t very much come to think of it.
Better than one of those ugly, corroded pennies though! I’m going to have to see how nice of a penny I can trade a printout of that picture for.
Loved ’em all!
After a few of my Chinese ESL students had forgotten to bring pens and paper, I stressed the importance of supplies in the classroom. The next day, they hid behind their desks and jumped out at me.
Have you given stand up a shot? I can tell you — it’s a rush. Go for it!
Hahaha. So ridiculous. I’m just going to cling to the false hope that this is a true story and tell it to all of my friends.
I’ve never tried stand up. I don’t even know how one goes about it!
Do a search for “Open mic comedy (your city name)”, get in contact with whomever runs a show, and he/she’ll most likely get you up!
And sadly, no. Not a true story. Does that “supplies” you?
Oh how clever the young lot are 😉
Enjoyed these young man!
Haha. In youth, our boredom drives us to entertain ourselves with witticisms. Or something.
Can I get that hippo on a t-shirt, please? How on earth did you come up with that?
Hippo on a t-shirt, you say? We’ve got to figure out how to make money somehow–maybe this oversize beast is just the ticket!
Hilarious. Should I yell that? HILARIOUS!
If your 1000 words aren’t earning you anything, perhaps you should get a real writing job 🙂
Real job?! Pshaw! Real jobs are for chumps who like to be able to eat. I subsist on ART!
I love your blog so I’ve nominated you for the Kreative Blogger Award – congrats! Please visit http://wp.me/p29hz7-8X to collect!
Woooooo!!!!
No sense of smell? That’s wild!
Loved them all. I think this post will do for this week. 🙂
Phew. That was a close call. When suddenly you realize it’s 10 at night and you have no motivation to write anything but jokes–a frightening moment.
How come that none of your one-liners actually fits into one line? Don’t get me wrong, they are still brilliant. Just wondering though…
Haha. Good point. I just can’t help my verbosity and loquaciousness and tendency toward repetition and overexplaining, I guess.
I recently submitted a joke for a contest hosted by Maybelline. I won liner.
Hey—that’s really GOOD!!
So awesome! You should submit that somewhere. Does Maybelline have joke contests?
But seriously, best comment ever.
Haha. Love the last one.=)
I’M GLAD!! (yelled)
haha.=) if you don’t mind me asking, what is your field of work?
Uhh…field of work, you say? Well, it’s certainly not corn or wheat.
I’m unemployed! But I’m about to be a student again. Getting my MFA starting this fall!
Hahaha.You just made me laugh.=)
God Bless then.=)
I almost didn’t believe myself when I found that I’ve been waiting for Tuesday to read a new post…. Is this another kind of addiction? (_ _””)
One-liners are awesome. Almost as awesome as purple hippos, so way to cover all bases, gentlemen. 😀
Haha. I think we should probably just stop blogging right now. We’ve hit the pinnacle combo.
Reblogged this on Yippiie.
Soylent Green is people!!! 😀
Great new post guys, loved pretty much every one of those and am reblogging this as soon as this comment is done!
(Bonus: saves me coming up with a post for today!)
Woohoo! We’re here to try to help you not have to do work. Also, to try to help ourselves not have to work.
In that case I wish you all the best on your endeavours guys, and hope to find more stuff I can shamelessly re-blog! 😉
Cheers.
Reblogged this on Anansi's Web – The Pub at the corner of "No" & "Where" and commented:
This duo never ceases to amuse and this is one of their funniest yet!
I always find my feather duster the moment my parakeet soars to freedom. Just the worst.
Right? One of life’s most common tragedies.
Right up there with taking a train going anywhere, and finding out you’re in Nebraska.
Is it okay if I laugh at you? 😉
In fact, I think it’s encouraged.
I don’t want to have a purpose. I am not a tool.